I want to start this review with a disclaimer.
In light of our current political climate, I don't want my words to be misconstrued as advocating for vulnerable people to tolerate the intolerable. So, please don't use my words to tell marginalized people to hug nazis, or to be considerate of "devil's advocate" stances.
The book I'm about to review served as a reminder to me of how I should show up in the world as a loving person. It also helped me understand that the love we often desperately seek must be shown to ourselves first to best share it with others.
I've never been good at understanding love.
After all, I was told so many contradictory definitions within my lifetime.
Some definitions are derived from romanticised ideals, and others from personally derived codes of ethics.
Love was often described to me as a "you'll know when you feel it" type of feeling. It compelled me to search high and low to understand its mysteries.
In a capitalist country, like the US, we can seek answers about love in self-help books, influencers, or even AI 😞. Always stretching towards, but not quite reaching, what we're looking for.
In developing countries where survival is paramount, folks tend to associate love with safety and resources.
Some folks tend to find great passages from relevant religious texts written long ago.
Yet, even there, there are still subjective things that get highlighted or ignored based on one's personal biases.
But in the end, there aren't many clear answers.
At least, I thought that was the case, until I came across the late Bell Hooks' book, all about love.
This book helped me see love as more than a feeling.
I've begun to see it as a powerful, transformative experience.
Hooks shared the best definition for love that I've ever read.
Love is the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing
one's own or another's spiritual growth.Originaly said by M. Scott Peck in his book "The Road Less Traveled."
Love is active and a choice.
In this book, Spiritual was defined as the dimension of our core reality where mind, body, and spirit are one.
Another common refrain in the book is the following quote from Peck as well:
Love is as love does.
Author Attribution
Far too often, we try to absolve ourselves from the process of loving, yet seek to be loved. This book gave a great framework to work from.
The book stated that when we are loving, we openly and honestly express care, affection, responsibility, respect, commitment, and trust.
I know that all sounds like a given. But for some reason, in favor of romantic excitement, we forget that love is a two-way street. We also forget that it all starts with the love we give ourselves. When we reread the previous statement, are we openly and honestly expressing care, affection, responsibility, respect, commitment, and trust towards ourselves? Yet we expect someone else to do the heavy lifting in loving us.
The book also delves into the power of love within our communities.
A quote that sums up those chapters well is:
All men and women are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality. Tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly affects ALL indirectly. This gulf is bridged by the sharing of resources.
Martin Luther King Jr
There's also a reminder that when love is present, the desire to dominate and exercise power can NOT rule the day.
A call for a love ethic is also ever present. It's a belief that everyone has the right to be free and to live fully and well.
We must make choices based on the belief that honesty, openness, and personal integrity need to be expressed in public and private decisions.
Again, my notes might seem self-explanatory, but having these nuanced concepts described with corresponding actions, versus only feelings, made understanding love more accessible, given how our patriarchal society doesn't give us (especially men) space to express or explore our feelings.
In terms of romantic love, this book did a great job challenging the notion that love always leads to a happily ever after.
Instead, Bell Hooks urges us to become comfortable with the idea that love thrives in difficulties. The foundation of such love is the assumption that we want to grow and expand, to become more fully ourselves. There is no change that does not bring with it a feeling of challenge and loss.
True love is different from the love that is rooted in basic care, goodwill, and attraction.
The late John Welwood, an American clinical psychologist, coined the term Soul Connection to describe this type of love. A soul connection is a resonance between two people who respond to the essential beauty of each other’s individual natures, behind their façades, and who connect on a deeper level...It is a sacred alliance whose purpose is to help both partners discover and realize their deepest potentials.
A Heart Connection (love mostly rooted in basic care, goodwill, and attraction) lets us appreciate those we love as they are, while a soul connection opens up a further dimension. Seeing and loving them for who they could be and for who we could become under their influence.
True love is unconditional.
But to truly flourish, it requires an ongoing commitment to constructive struggle and change. Love does not lead to an end to difficulties. It provides us with a means to cope with our difficulties in ways that enhance our growth. The heartbeat of true love is the willingness to reflect on one's actions and to process and communicate this reflection with a loved one.
With everything happening lately, this book helped me appreciate the importance of NOW.
Death is always with us.
It's a faithful reminder that the time to do what we feel called to do is always NOW and not at some distant and unimagined future. We find our true selves by living fully in the present.
In conclusion:
I barely scratched the surface of the many gems I got from this book. It was heartening to know that I can learn about love, as I have many other subjects. I can love myself and, in the process, love others in a way that sustains growth. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to grow their bonds without wasting the little energy one has on fruitless pursuits.